Wednesday, January 07, 2009


Alan will be home in a couple of weeks. I’ve really been stressing about it. I know that we can’t fix anything while he is so far away, but I’ve found a good equilibrium and I’m afraid of the chaos and turmoil that will happen when he returns. Even if we weren’t having problems it would be hard to adjust to having him back in the house.

I’ve spoken to my therapist about this and she suggested that I wait on God’s timing and only bring things up when He shows me an opening. And while that is very good advice, it still leaves me with a lot of questions. How do I remain open and forgiving without getting my feelings completely trampled on? I know that I am going to experience a certain level of rejection when Alan comes back and I am going to get hurt, but I’d like to limit the amount of hurt I experience. How do I deal with situations when I become angry because of something he has done? Do I make any demands on him at all, even basic ones like cleaning up the kitchen or taking out the trash? Or do I just let him do what he wants to do and deal with the rest as I am able?

I’ve been doing a lot of crying out to the Lord. I hesitate to call it praying because there aren’t many coherent words coming out of my mouth. Just “What do I do?” over and over again. I’ve also been trying to stay in God’s word because I know only God can sustain me. I’ve been sticking with Psalms and Proverbs because I can’t handle too much in-depth thinking right now. Well, I got an answer when I read Psalms 4:4. “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Interlude” NLT

So I got my answer. I really love it when God is clear like this. And I do believe that God is clear in his instructions. My favorite verse is Jeremiah 33:3 “Call to me and I will answer you, I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” The word answer here means to “conspicuously answer,” an answer that you can clearly understand. If we are seeking God’s will, His answer will be clear.

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