Monday, May 23, 2005

Dazed and Confused

I had a bit of an eye-opening weekend, but I’ll get to that later. I had a good time in Detroit. My last post got cut off. I guess I can only send short messages from my phone. That sucks! I probably won’t use that feature again until I can get a camera phone. I did have a fun time in Detroit. I got to meet a few new coworkers from other offices. They were very nice. I doubt I’ll see them very often, but it is nice to have connections in the region. The training was good, at least as good as these things can be.

Saturday hubby and I helped a coworker of his paint the inside of his new house. Hubby got to do some demolition work so that made him happy. I got to meet some wives, but I didn’t really click with either one. I didn’t exercise this weekend, but I did a lot of painting with a roller and hubby and I took a walk “around the block” Sunday evening. Next time hubby wants to take a walk “around the block” I’m going to ask him what his definition of a block is. I think we stayed out for about 45 min. We did take the doggie and she LOVED it. We are going to have to do that more often.

Sunday was the eye-opening day. But first you have to understand that I tend to exist in a happy little bubble and sometimes have a hard time seeing things as they really are. I have this dream/desire/need to be a stay-at-home mom. This is really what I want to do with my life. That being said, I don’t look down on or judge women who don’t stay at home with their children. I know what would be best for me and not having to work is what would do it for me. Hubby is a realist and has been trying to tell me, nicely, and not so nicely at times, that this may not be possible for us. Well, helping this guy with his new house got hubby wanting to look at other houses in the area. So, after church we went to a couple open houses just to see what kind of houses sell for what amounts. We ended up sitting down with a very nice realtor and his wife/loan officer. We ran some very rough numbers and with both our salaries we can afford whatever we want, within reason of course. With just hubby’s salary we can afford zip, zero and zilch. Keep in mind we are just looking for a safe neighborhood with something small we don’t have to do too much to. Renovations would just cost money anyway.

Reality has hit hard. And I’m having a very hard time with it. Our “plan”, and we all know how plans go, is to buy a house sometime next spring, and to have our first child within that next year. There is no way I can stay home full time, and probably not even half time (my job wouldn’t allow that anyway). I can’t even think about this without tearing up. The only good thing about this is that there is nothing I can do, and I have no choice but to give it completely to God. If this works out somehow, it will be all His doing, and none of ours. I’m trying to look at this as a faith strengthener. I just have a hard time believing that God would give me this strong desire to be a stay-at-home mom and not provide some way for it to happen. I know God's way of doing things always turns out 100% better than my way of doing things, but I just wish He would clue me in every now and then! Maybe that is my clue to spend more time in the Word and in prayer.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous10:14 PM

    Oh sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. I know it doesn't help, but there really is a plan and it's hard for us to understand or wait sometimes. I didn't marry until I was 31 and had my first at 32. I never intended to wait so long but I am so glad I did. I waited for the right person. I am able to stay at home with my kids, but we have sacrificed to do it. I can't give them everything I see most parents giving their kids. But, kids don't need things, they need mom and dad. Maybe you need to look outside the perceived "good" neighborhoods to other options. And apartment living will not hurt a child as long as mom and dad are both there. Maybe that is an option for the start. Know that I am saying a prayer tonight for God to reveal his plan to you both, and that you are strong enough to accept the answer. But He is gracious and wants to give us our heart's desire, never forget that.